i’ve had widespread chronic pain since 2009.
it ebbs + flows. there are seasons where i almost forget its existence. but it inevitably returns.
i shame myself for doing the “wrong” things or not doing enough of the “right” ones.
there’s a part of me that’s convinced that if i just try harder, do more - the pain will go away.
or if i could just heal all my emotional pains, the physical pains would dissipate too.
i carry a heavy burden of shame because i’m trauma informed + have so many somatic tools. and therefore, i “should” be able to fix myself. i “should” know better.
but what if this isn’t something to fix? what if i don’t need to hold the blame for this pain?
how would it feel to grieve the seemingly impossible dream of having a fully abled, pain-free body?
i share this not for your pity or sympathy. but i hope my story helps others in pain.
it’s easy to believe that your pain is your fault. and if you could just try one more thing or show up fuller, the pain will die.
but this is your - and my - permission slip to just be. be angry with your body that has failed you. be deeply upset by the setbacks + limitations. allow yourself to grieve being in *this* body. without the spiritual bypassing of having to see the silver lining or be grateful for your body’s wisdom.
today, move + feel. simply be with what is.