Grieving a Body in Pain

i’ve had widespread chronic pain since 2009. 

it ebbs + flows. there are seasons where i almost forget its existence. but it inevitably returns. 

i shame myself for doing the “wrong” things or not doing enough of the “right” ones. 

there’s a part of me that’s convinced that if i just try harder, do more - the pain will go away. 

or if i could just heal all my emotional pains, the physical pains would dissipate too. 

i carry a heavy burden of shame because i’m trauma informed + have so many somatic tools. and therefore, i “should” be able to fix myself. i “should” know better. 

but what if this isn’t something to fix? what if i don’t need to hold the blame for this pain?

how would it feel to grieve the seemingly impossible dream of having a fully abled, pain-free body? 

i share this not for your pity or sympathy. but i hope my story helps others in pain. 

it’s easy to believe that your pain is your fault. and if you could just try one more thing or show up fuller, the pain will die. 

but this is your - and my - permission slip to just be. be angry with your body that has failed you. be deeply upset by the setbacks + limitations. allow yourself to grieve being in *this* body. without the spiritual bypassing of having to see the silver lining or be grateful for your body’s wisdom. 

today, move + feel. simply be with what is.

Pain Says

some days are filled with 

constant music 

attempts at drowning out 

constant thoughts 

some days are bright and

I am safe 

bad days

I am too scared  

to stop and sit 

to be swallowed by

my pain 

but that’s the thing about pain 

he always lingers 

waiting. 

behind curtains 

patient. watching. 

because pain has no 

other plans, no where to be 

he will come with you to 

the store 

he’ll tip tap 

remind you 

I’m still here

still with you 

watching. waiting. 

pain doesn’t mean to be 

a nuisance 

he just wants to say hi 

hello 

hey there 

look at me 

be with me 

please 

hear me out 

don’t dance me out 

or affirm me away or 

tell me you hate me 

just be with me 

hold me 

tend to me 

then i’ll be 

on my way 

“Pain Says”

8/22/23

Let Your Pain Migrate

To listen to the guided version of this meditation, please click here.

Today, I want to guide you through a little meditation for pain.

A lot of times when we’re experiencing pain, the first thing we want to do is get rid of it. We resist + maybe even focus on it so much, that all of our attention can make the pain worse.

Today, I invite you to try something that’s been helpful for me lately.

Before we jump in, let’s settle in. You can be seated or lying down for this. You may be in a chair or on the floor - whatever will work best for you. Take a few moments to get comfy. Fidget, wiggle, roll the head side-to-side. Whatever you need.

Take a few deep breaths. Inhale through the nose - expand the belly.
Easy breath out - open mouth - sigh it out.
Take a few more like that.

I invite you to keep taking cleansing breaths (in through the nose, out of the mouth) or let your normal breath return. Breathe in + out. In + out.

Maybe right now you’re experiencing pain. Maybe you have chronic pain. Bring your attention to the area of the body in pain. Whether it’s your neck, jaw, hip, low back, knee, ankle, arm, doesn’t matter. Notice the sensations there. Is it tight? Tingling? A dull ache? A sharper pain?

If you’re like me, I experience most of my pain to one side - my left jaw/ neck, left hip, left knee, etc. It’s easy to keep all my attention on one side of my body. Maybe you experience that, maybe not.

Today, we’re going to play with allowing that pain dissipate into the rest of the body. So bring your attention to the pain.

Find some place in the body that’s opposite the pain - physically in the body + in sensation. If it’s your left hip that bothers you or is in pain, notice how the right hip feels. Find a place that feels good- where there is no pain, or less pain. Where you feel strong, relaxed.

Start to envision that good feeling traveling across your body to the other side. Whatever that good feeling is to you - maybe it’s relaxed sensation, strength, maybe it’s an absence of pain, something more neutral. Allow that to spread through your body - especially to the side where pain exists.

Take a deep breath.
Beautiful.

Now bring your attention back to the area of pain. Can you start to allow that pain to travel to the other side of your body? The side that feels good, relaxed, neutral. We aren’t trying to force the pain out or get rid of.

Can you start to let the pain + the sensation in that one area travel throughout the body?

If your first instinct is a little bit of pain or fear- because you don’t want more pain in the body of course - that’s ok. You can just sit with that today. Maybe you return to this meditation + allow that sensation to dissipate or envision it breaking down into pieces that float throughout the body. They are so small + the pain isn’t as noticeable.

You can spend as much time here as you need. Feel into the body’s sensation of moving pain around the body.

Can you start to integrate the body into one whole being? Allow the pain to mix with the relaxed sensation.

Maybe you still have attachments to pain being a “bad” thing. Allow “bad” side of the body to intermingle with the “good” side of your body. Something to play with as you sit to meditate or the next time you feel an increase in your pain + awareness. Allow those feel good parts of the body to meld into the other side. Allow the pain to melt into the opposite side as well.

Take another round of deep breaths.

Start to bring some awareness back to your body.
I hope you enjoyed this mediation.

Grounding Red Light [for Pain]

To listen to the guided version of this meditation, please click here.

Today, I want to lead you through a grounding meditation, specifically if you have any physical pain, aches, tension, or tightness in the body. We’ll bring a little awareness to that pain + see if we can soften it just a little.

Find a comfortable seat or lie down. You may choose to sit in a chair or on the floor, however you feel most comfortable. 

We’ll take a few cleansing breaths. Inhaling through the nose, breathing deep into the low belly. Exhaling, opening the mouth - release. Two more like that - breathing in through the nose, expanding the belly. Open the mouth, sigh it out, let it go. 

You can keep with these cleansing breaths if that feels good in the body, or just return to a normal breath pattern. 

Take just a few moments here to settle into the body. Scanning from head to toes, toes to head. Any sensations of pain, aching, tightness, tension? We won’t judge that pain. We won’t label it as bad or worrisome, just simply noticing + observing that yes, there is pain present. 

And once you’ve focused in on one area of pain, I want you to envision a bright, red light circling that area of pain. So you can envision a bright, red ball of energy. Maybe it has a little motion to it - circling or swirling around that pain point. 

As you breathe in, that red light glows brighter. And as you breathe out, letting that red light start to travel down the body … to the legs … + out of the feet into the Earth. 

Again, as you inhale, envisioning that bright, red light encompassing your pain area. Exhale - letting that red energy, red light travel down the body, through the legs, out the feet + into the Earth. 

Again, inhale… red light swirls a little more, maybe grows a little bigger around that pain point. Exhale - allow that red light + the pain to travel with it down the body, through the legs, out the feet, into the Earth. 

Each time you exhale + let that red light travel out the body… see if you can tap into that grounding sensation, so really feeling connected with the Earth. Even if the feet aren’t touching the Earth, can you imagine feet in the grass or dirt? Feeling the Earth support you. 

With each breath out, letting that pain travel beneath you, into the Earth. Letting just an ounce of pain leave the body.

Take a few more moments here - a few more rounds of breath - inhale, envision that bright, red light circling your point of pain, tightness, tension. Exhale - that red light + pain just wash through the body, out of the feet, into the Earth. 

You can return to this meditation any time you experience pain. Wherever you’re at, take a few moments to close the eyes. Visualize that red, glowing light grounding you back into the Earth - taking any pain with it. 

You may stay here for a few more moments - maybe repeating the cycle of inhaling + exhaling - letting that red light take a little pain away. 

If you’re ready to return to your day, invite a little breath back into the body. Deep inhale into the belly. Exhale, let it go. 

Thank you for joining me in this meditation. 

May you find a little relief from your pain.

The Hidden Pain of Chronic Pain

This is hard to share but now feels like the right time.

September marks ten years of experiencing chronic pain. One decade of almost-daily widespread pain. No diagnosis, no cure, no treatment. In 2009, the pain started as an intense “injury” in my neck with no real cause. I chalked it up to starting grad school and a new job. Over the years, the pain would spread to my jaw and shoulder. Later my low back, opposite foot, then in 2016, my hip and entire leg. I’ve tried pain pills, physical therapy, numbing injections, chiropractic work, massages, Reiki, and everything in between. Over time, it became my new normal. To wake up in pain. To spend the entire day in some degree of pain. To fall asleep in pain. It was there constantly. Day and night, stressful times or otherwise. Nothing helped, but nothing made it tremendously worse. So I carried on.

Chronic pain is invisible and to the outside world, I look young, healthy, and happy. I didn’t talk about it for a very long time because I didn’t know how to really. I didn’t want people to judge me or treat me differently either. I still can’t quite put into words what it’s like to live being so consumed by pain. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. All consuming.

My pain had never limited me, or so I thought, until my yoga teacher training in 2016. I cried every weekend (for 10 weeks); and for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to feel. Sad, overwhelmed, inadequate, like a failure. My pain held me back from doing things all the other students could. It was at this time that I realized how much of my life had been dictated by my pain. The kind of mood I’d be in, how I’d treat others, how active I could be, how kind I was to myself. I couldn’t sit still or stand for long periods of time. Hiking, climbing, yoga, or anything else active always took more effort than it should. There were days when simply walking felt like just too much. 

Having chronic pain has been extremely isolating. Until getting married, I never really had to share this part of my life with anyone. I know very few people who can relate to the toll it takes on a person. Sure, there’s the debilitating physical pain, lack of answers, sleep disturbances, and being unable to participate in life as fully as I’d like. But what is really hard to talk about is the horrible things I began to believe about myself and my abilities. That I either deserve this pain or would never be able to get rid of it. That I’m unable to be active, work full-time, or travel. That I’m not strong enough for so many things. That there would just be certain parts of life I would maybe never get to experience.

How exhausting it is day in and day out to dedicate so much brain capacity to worrying about the pain—why is it there? Is it something more serious? Can I fix it with this or that? What if I try x, y, or z this time? Is the pain my fault? Is it the way I move or work out or the food I eat or my emotional state? If I go hiking, will I be out of commission for the following two days? Can I handle a job where I stand for 6-8 hours a day? What if I hurt myself and can no longer teach (or dance or surf or walk)? What if? What if? What if?

I understand now that my physical pain is a warning sign – a cry for help from my own body. I become stressed easily and I often feel anxious. I am learning to be kind with myself, to fully feel my feelings, to ask for help when I need it. I like to think I carried my pain for so long so it could teach me to slow down, learn more, heal, and eventually help others. I have to consistently remind myself to listen to my body. Rest more. Grow stronger. Be vulnerable. Share my story but don’t play the victim forever. Release tension and stress. Move my body daily. Quiet my mind and just listen. Sit with the uncomfortable emotions that are inevitable in life—anger, sadness, grief, worry, low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, negative self-talk. Experience it all. Don’t shove it down or laugh it off. Release it all. Feel sad, lost, disempowered. But move on. Pick myself up again and never stop trying.