Written May 24, 2022
My friend described it perfectly. Life, right now, feels like that moment between an inhale + an exhale.
Do it. Take a deep breath in.
Pause… Pause… Wait.
Pause… Keep holding…
Tightening. Constricting.
Still no sigh of relief yet.
Can you sip in one more breath of air?
FUCKING PAUSE.
That’s what these last few months - years if I’m being honest - have felt like.
4 out-of-state moves in 4 years.
4 times to start over + try to settle somewhere new.
4 years of not knowing what comes next + when that fucking exhale will arrive.
4 years of holding my breath + allowing that anxiety to drown me.
4 years of unsettled ungroundedness.
4 years of feeling like I’m stuck in survival mode, unable to easily breathe in + out.
I’ve been incredibly unkind to myself these last 4 years. Feeling like a failure at so many things. Working odd jobs, knowing we wouldn’t be in one place for too long. Trying to start a business when it feels like maybe that just isn’t meant to happen for me. Struggling to make meaningful connections that I know will likely be severed in a matter of time anyway.
I am tired.
I am tired of moving.
I am tired of starting over.
I am tired of building a new community for myself every single year.
I am tired of meaningless work.
I. Am. Just. So. Tired.