I had been diagnosed with anxiety a few years back + somehow that felt more acceptable to admit to than being depressed. We’re all a little anxious some of the time, right? But over the years, the anxiety was leading to such terrible, negative self-talk that the “I sort of feel meh sometimes” feeling I had been experiencing morphed into more of a “I think I have a real problem” feeling.
I was always under the impression that I didn’t have “real” depression. I wasn’t impossibly sad all the time. I still showered, cooked, went to work, did all the things. I was still social + outgoing + seemingly happy. But the easiest way to describe my depression is this – I didn’t want to kill myself but I also didn’t really care if I lived. And when you lack the appetite to fully live, life feels pretty bleak.
I don’t remember the exact tipping point when I realized that all the holistic rituals I was incorporating just weren’t cutting it. It was a long, slow decision to finally introduce an antidepressant into the mix. And if you suffer from anxiety or you’re a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), then you know that your decision-making system is already taxed.
I was officially diagnosed with depression in March 2021; however, I’ve had low-level depression since being a teen. After a few months of waffling between whether or not antidepressants were the right choice for me, I finally decided to start taking Zoloft in June.
The choice was clouded by so much fear.
Fear of feeling numbed out because of the medicine.
Fear of being reliant on this medication indefinitely.
Fear of insomnia, gaining weight, or any of the other multitude of symptoms.
Fear of the stigma that still surrounds mental health issues + medication.
But the real fear was admitting I actually have depression. And that there isn’t enough meditation, yoga, green smoothies, or moon circles to cure it.
There seems to be a strong movement within health + wellness to discount all things science-related. I’m all for questioning the validity of what we’re being sold, but at what cost? Pharmaceutical companies absolutely can have bad intentions, but medicine + science exist for a reason. Being a coach within the health + wellness industry carried an unspoken agreement that using pharmaceutical drugs to help ease my own anxiety + depression was shameful or weak.
I’m not here to bash anyone’s opinion of being against antidepressants. But I wish more people shared their stories of joy + the life-changing benefits that being on medication allows. I wish there was less fear + stigma around choosing to take medication. And of course, I dream of the day when everyone has access to free mental health services (but that’s a whole separate conversation).
So I wanted to share my story. If I inspire just one person to open the dialogue with their healthcare provider about maybe needing medication, I’ll be thrilled.
If you’re feeling super unsettled + stuck in a loop of self-doubt, reach out to someone. Share your story with a friend + colleague + doctor. Uncover the shame that can be attached to relying on medication for a temporary or permanent amount of time.
Seeking support does not equate to weakness.
Taking medication does not mean you aren’t strong enough to persevere.
Adding a pharmaceutical remedy to your toolbox doesn’t make you a bad person.
I think we – healers, health + wellness coaches, yoga teachers, etc. – do a disservice to our community by continuing to stigmatize antidepressants + other medications that help aid people with their mental well-being. I want to encourage you to be an advocate for mental health resources for the people you serve.
If you have questions for me, please reach out via email - emindmove@gmail.com.
If you need immediate support – please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.