poem

What if I had been a Kid who Camped?

i find myself 

surrounded by 

strong women

our original mother, 

Nature

the soft glow of fire 

the sweet sound of silence 

i inhale the smoky air

i root my feet in her earth 

i surrender to her gentle waves 

i lift my gaze to her heavens

i sense the slow shift -

my nervous system 

temporarily settling 

then returning to its 

normal state of tension

i move my incredible body 

in the way he asks me to

slow

steady 

honoring the playful 

bursts of energy 

when they come

my jaw unclenches 

my shoulders drop 

my hips finally let go 

this body holds 

so many memories

beautiful

painful

shocking 

hard truths 

laughter

pleasure

heartache 

sorrow 

regret

they can all feel as

engulfing as her waters

so i let her hold me 

in my joy and

in my pain

and everywhere in between 

especially the in between 

the unknowing 

the fearful reminders of

the lack of safety 

the doubtful next steps

but what if 

there are no next steps

36 years in this vessel

this sacred home, body  

and just now i am learning 

the art of slowing down

what if i had been a 

kid who camped 

would my body have 

felt like a safer place to exist

would i have learned sooner to

turn to this precious land for

guidance

relief 

acceptance 

would i be a 

different person

would i be more healed

more calm

more me

“what if i had been a kid who camped”

July 4, 2024

Evangola State Park

Creativity as Meditation

i’ve been using 

art + creativity 

as a meditation

it’s nearly impossible

to focus 

on much else 

than the 

paint or piano 

under finger tips 

slowing down is

still a challenge for me

well… for my mind 

my body looooves 

being slow

that’s where we feel safe 

heart in check 

in total control

every move tender

no mistakes

to be made here 

no risks

no mishaps 

no

      p

         a

            i

              n

but this sweet 

lil thought bag

weighing heavy on 

shoulders 

whewww

is she loud!

should i sit more?

the yoga teacher in me 

says yes and shames 

me when i say it’s 

just not for me 

yet maybe the things 

we resist the most

stillness

creativity 

silence 

love 

are the exact things 

here to heal us 

not a cure all

[that’s not healing]

but a gentle invitation

to settle 

[the nervous system]

to quiet the mind

to soften the 

barriers to the heart 

Four Years

Four years
I settled for bread crumbs
when I wanted the entire loaf
a piece of passion
a slice of emotional bondedness
a life built together
not adjacent, apart

Four years
I convinced myself to believe that
this year will be better, different
because that’s what you promised me
better
different

Four years
Shit stayed the same
Shit slid + shifted +
shit its own bed
actually

Four years
How do two people so in
Love
get here?
Full of resentment
regret
remission

Remission
Cancer
Toxicity
Death
Death
Sweet death

Four years
down the drain
wasted
no . . .
I loved our time together
I wouldn’t trade it for the world

you taught me 
my worth
you reminded me that 
life is for LIVING
you showed me the exact 
partner I do not want

Four years
Lessons in learning what
Love is not . . .
sacrificing
shrinking
secrecy

Four years
now you can’t even 
meet my eyes
but you stop me 
in the driveway
to tell me you miss me

you miss me?
you only love me 
when I’m gone

I deserve more
a partner who misses me
when they still have me

so
I no longer settle for
bread crumbs
when I now know I am
worthy of
the entire fucking loaf

“Four Years”
4/26/23

R. A. P. E.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
i’d like to share
a poem with you

R. 

A. 

P. 

E.

 
Rape.
i know
just the word conjures
bile in throat
quickening of heart
sweat in palms

R.

A.

P.

E.


Rape.
Sexual assault.
Molestation.
Words matter.
Say it aloud.
Share your story.
Release your shame.

R.

A.

P.

E.


Rape.
it is not your fault
+ no you didn’t have to 
fight harder
or say no louder 
or again

R.

A.

P.

E.


Rape.
it doesn’t matter what you were 
wearing
how drunk you were
or if you fucked before 

R.

A.

P.

E.

Rape
This does not define you
You will heal from this
I promise
YOU WILL HEAL


“R. A. P. E.” 4/21/23

I am Terrified to Love You

i am terrified to love you 

i’ve waited my whole life for 

someone like you

without even knowing it 

without the awareness that 

it could be this easy 

to rest in the arms of love 

with such trust and peace

to be looked after and cared for in the 

ways i wish my folks had loved me 

to be held and seen by clear eyes in the

ways that i let few people witness 

to be desired and praised by a most 

passionate lover 

your full embracing of me 

feels like too much 

too good to be true 

what’s your end game? 

to have spent a lifetime of 

assuming it normal to 

fall short of having my

most basic needs be met 

to bloom then wilt in homes 

where i had to 

shrivel and die just to be 

tolerated

not accepted 

to now have someone 

you 

to see me

to love me

to make me whole

to now have someone 

you 

bake the cake my 

father never made 

take an hour of your 

work day to chat 

drive 30 minutes to kiss me

hello and drop off snacks 

i am terrified to love you 

but i do


”I am Terrified to Love You”
Jan 2024

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