Grief + Divorce

There’s a certain brand of loneliness that arrives after a divorce. A special kind of grief in having to allow yourself the time and space to mourn an entire life you had dreamt of. Though I guess that’s true of grief and losing someone to death as well…

I’ve been fortunate enough to have few people “close” to me die. So, grief is foreign to me. The way it ebbs and flows, nipping at my heels only on certain days… Your birthday. While I’m at a music festival. On a random Tuesday afternoon.

Grief invites a certain kind of sadness I had not yet experienced. Or had never given myself permission to fully feel for fear of it swallowing me whole.

Divorce - even when it’s completely your choice - conjures up memories of all the ways in which you both failed. How you both gave up trying and eventually the desire to make it work simply vanishes. 

Anger and resentment returns when you see all the ways your partner has changed for someone else, something else. The things you craved and needed suddenly do become important when the gravity of losing you hits them. 

Or maybe your worst fear is true after all. That they simply did not want to put in the effort for YOU. That it is, in fact, personal. 

Tender heartache emerges when you choose to confront your own shortcomings and the pain you caused. When you have to open your eyes to the ways in which you fell short.

Transitions are wildly challenging and I know I’m not alone. I hope my story touches someone who’s in the midst of divorce or maybe you’re in a season of grief for another reason.

There’s little resolution or advice here. Just a simple sharing of my own current experience. 

I do know that grief will shift and move and I must flow with it. So, I encourage you to do the same. 

Create a support system for the days where grief feels like too much. 

Know and trust that you can allow yourself to fully sit with any emotions that arise during your transition out of this relationship. 

And hey, I’m so incredibly proud of you for following your heart, dear one.

How to Start (or Improve) a Routine

So you want a new or better routine? Maybe you want to exercise more or get to bed earlier. Maybe read more books or improve that hit-or-miss morning routine.

Y’all. The key is simple. Start small.

So small.

Smaller.

No really… Smaller! I mean it.

Let’s say you want to start running. You can download an interval training app (like Couch to 5K) and expect to run three times a week. And when life gets in the way or your body is crying for more rest, you fall behind and feel like a failure. Right? 

We’ve all been there and it fucking sucks.

So I challenge you to step back.

Commit to a routine but make it so small. SO SO SOOO SMALL!!! 

Instead of running three times a week for 20 minutes… run once a week for 3 short circuits (maybe that means one minute each or the length of one block).

Shit, maybe you need to start even smaller! Pick one day a week to simply put on your running gear (shoes, workout clothes, headphones / choice of music). You don’t even have to go on the run yet! 

Maybe you want ditch the in-bed doom scrolling to create a meaningful morning routine that starts your day off in gratitude. 

What’s that look like? Think small. 

Write down one line of gratitude in a journal by your bed. Don’t put pressure on yourself to start with a 30-minute meditation 7 days a week.

Hustle and grind culture (thanks patriarchy!) got us thinking that it’s all or nothing. NO PAIN, NO GAIN! Run til you bleed or it’s not worth it! Give 110% or you’re worthless!

Yet your soft, flowy, overly sensitive and anxious mind needs room to breathe. There will be days where we forget. Days where life prevents us from showing up in the way we hoped. As HSPs, we require more rest and  more time to process and I believe that’s true ten-fold in our desire to change.

Change is hella confronting. We are not wired for it! Your little brain wants to stay the same. Small, comfortable, stuck. So we gotta “trick” it with baaaaby steps toward growth.

So… what are we to do? Here are some things to play with:

1) Set a more realistic schedule or goal for yourself: 
+ Find a race in 6 months, not 2 
+ Wake up 5 minutes earlier, not 2 hours 
+ Read 10 pages of a book before bed, not an entire chapter 

2) Ditch the pressure of perfection: 
+ JUST SHOW UP - messy, imperfect, late, tired. But please, do show up. 
+ YOU dictate what is good enough. Nothing is perfect and perfect is boring anyway. 

3) Set a time limit for how long you explore this new routine: 
+ Give yourself a month and re-evaluate; is it really serving you or does it feel like another must-do on the never-ending-to-do-list? 
+ Literally write down your new habit/ routine in your calendar/ phone until it clicks; or set a reminder in 1 month to revisit this new routine

4) Feelings are wicked, man: 
+ Set up a system to get your butt to the new routine, no matter your *feelings* (see # 2 - just show up)
+ Be honest about your self-limiting beliefs that are allowing you to continue the cycle of self-sabotage and self-doubt

+ There’s tremendous growth in learning from our resistance to change

5) If the routine isn’t quite sticking:
+ Switch the time of day you begin your practice (meditate at noon, not first thing upon waking)
+ Fuck it and find a new hobby!!!!!!