A Meditation for the Days That Just Suck
You can listen to this meditation here.
This is a meditation for the days that just suck. For the dreary days where no sun is in sight. Where all your normal routines and healthy coping skills aren’t cutting it. For the days or weeks when you eat cereal for dinner and don’t have the energy to wash your hair for one too many days.
So give yourself a hug. I mean it - I’ll wait. Wrap your arms gently around you and take a breath.
Take another.
Easy gentle loving breath in through the nose.
Allow the sweetest sigh to fall from your lips.
Again. Inhale - soften, surrender.
Exhale - let a noise escape, any noise.
A sigh, a scream, a whimper.
Squeeze yourself in the hug.
All you have to do is breathe.
Hey babe. I want you to repeat after me.
Nothing is wrong with me.
Nothing is wrong with the way I think.
Nothing is wrong with what I feel or how I express or don’t express my emotions.
Nothing is wrong with my body. My brain. My heart. My nature.
Nothing. Is. Wrong with me.
On Birthdays + Grief
tomorrow i turn 37. birthdays are a big deal to me. i like being celebrated and feeling loved… special. but this year’s birthday hangs in a cloud of grief that i know cannot be shaken loose. i know it will shift with time. and despite my trying to rush beyond the pain, it is still here.
i’ve been feeling extremely lonely lately. being single tends to do that for me. i’ve learned to place romantic relationships on a pedestal and without one, i feel *so* alone.
now, i have wonderful friends and community. and the wise part of my brain recognizes that. and i feel so fortunate to be loved by several lovely humans.
yet the weight of my singleness aches in my bones this year.
yearning, still, months later, for a man who doesn’t want to be with me.
sitting with the grief of last year’s ending of my marriage to my best friend.
shame for this self-induced loneliness due to cutting ties with my family.
and years of utilizing self-isolation as a (not always healthy) coping mechanism.
i find myself feeling like i often do around the holidays. like i’m meant to be excited, joy-filled, happy.
yet those states have been harder and harder for me to reach lately.
some friends recently asked how i wanted to spend my birthday. and we, somewhat jokingly, landed on howling at the moon in the middle of the woods. and maybe that’s what would be serve me this year.
i’m finding that birthdays and aging are less about a big party with people who barely know me… the real me. but instead choosing to surround myself with friends and (chosen) family who can support and love me, no matter my emotional state. and lord, there are so many!
if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. thank you for being here. thank you for seeing me. thank you, thank you, thank you.
here’s to 37. and learning to love myself, partnered or not. lonely or not. happy or not. grieving or not.
Erasing Me
i hate that i even think about it
if your hands grazed her hips yet
if her lips taste as sweet as mine
sharing your energy with someone new
erasing me bit by bit
with each new kiss
”Erasing Me”
July 2024
What if I had been a Kid who Camped?
i find myself
surrounded by
strong women
our original mother,
Nature
the soft glow of fire
the sweet sound of silence
i inhale the smoky air
i root my feet in her earth
i surrender to her gentle waves
i lift my gaze to her heavens
i sense the slow shift -
my nervous system
temporarily settling
then returning to its
normal state of tension
i move my incredible body
in the way he asks me to
slow
steady
honoring the playful
bursts of energy
when they come
my jaw unclenches
my shoulders drop
my hips finally let go
this body holds
so many memories
beautiful
painful
shocking
hard truths
laughter
pleasure
heartache
sorrow
regret
they can all feel as
engulfing as her waters
so i let her hold me
in my joy and
in my pain
and everywhere in between
especially the in between
the unknowing
the fearful reminders of
the lack of safety
the doubtful next steps
but what if
there are no next steps
36 years in this vessel
this sacred home, body
and just now i am learning
the art of slowing down
what if i had been a
kid who camped
would my body have
felt like a safer place to exist
would i have learned sooner to
turn to this precious land for
guidance
relief
acceptance
would i be a
different person
would i be more healed
more calm
more me
“what if i had been a kid who camped”
July 4, 2024
Evangola State Park
Creativity as Meditation
i’ve been using
art + creativity
as a meditation
it’s nearly impossible
to focus
on much else
than the
paint or piano
under finger tips
slowing down is
still a challenge for me
well… for my mind
my body looooves
being slow
that’s where we feel safe
heart in check
in total control
every move tender
no mistakes
to be made here
no risks
no mishaps
no
p
a
i
n
but this sweet
lil thought bag
weighing heavy on
shoulders
whewww
is she loud!
should i sit more?
the yoga teacher in me
says yes and shames
me when i say it’s
just not for me
yet maybe the things
we resist the most
stillness
creativity
silence
love
are the exact things
here to heal us
not a cure all
[that’s not healing]
but a gentle invitation
to settle
[the nervous system]
to quiet the mind
to soften the
barriers to the heart
100% More than Last Year
I am 100% more grounded than I was a year ago. And I still have days where I can’t quite settle.
I am 100% more in touch with my grief than I was a year ago. Yet I still find ways to ignore and numb my pain.
I am 100% more loving - to others and myself - than I was a year ago. But some part of me still chooses subtle abuse as a means of motivation.
Healing is not linear.
I know you’ve heard that before. But can you let it really sink in?
Healing, like life, ebbs and flows. Sometimes it feels like you take two steps forward and one step back. In the really challenging times, maybe it’s even one step forward and two steps back.
But, sweet sensitive soul —
The goal of healing is not to achieve perfection.
The goal of healing is not to avoid ever being activated again.
The goal of healing is to learn... and unlearn.
The goal of healing is to fall back into old patterns. Then recognize those reactions sooner to their origin, not years, months, or weeks later.
The goal of healing is to show an immense capacity of love for your younger parts that have been trying to protect you all these years.
The goal of healing is to live again. To know that you will be triggered by someone you love or a stranger on the street. And now, you know that you have richer resourcing and compassion to keep showing up for your life.
Would you please take some time to journal, think, or create art about the ways in which you are 100% more [blank] than last year?
More confident. More calm. More angry. More uncertain. More connected. More artistic. More overwhelmed. Embrace it all.
I know it may not always feel like progress is being made, sweet soul… but, I promise it is.
You are 100% more healed than you were a year ago. And that is worth celebrating!
Self Screensaver
Is it weird that I set my laptop’s wallpaper to this photograph of myself?
I don’t worry about that when I’m home alone, but when I sit down to work at a coffee shop, I am unexplainably aware of how weird it must be that I have a photograph of MYSELF stretched across a 13-inch computer screen.
“How fucking narcissistic is she?” is what I presume most people would think if they noticed.
But what they don’t know is the years it’s taken to heal my relationship with my body, my movement, even how I feel about dance itself.
So yes, I proudly display this gorgeous photograph by Hannah Sharriee as my own wallpaper. Because it makes me feel seen, cherished, and deeply cared for by my own self for once.
And if that ain’t healin’ babes, I don’t know what is!