Four years
I settled for bread crumbs
when I wanted the entire loaf
a piece of passion
a slice of emotional bondedness
a life built together
not adjacent, apart
Four years
I convinced myself to believe that
this year will be better, different
because that’s what you promised me
better
different
Four years
Shit stayed the same
Shit slid + shifted +
shit its own bed
actually
Four years
How do two people so in
Love
get here?
Full of resentment
regret
remission
Remission
Cancer
Toxicity
Death
Death
Sweet death
Four years
down the drain
wasted
no . . .
I loved our time together
I wouldn’t trade it for the world
you taught me
my worth
you reminded me that
life is for LIVING
you showed me the exact
partner I do not want
Four years
Lessons in learning what
Love is not . . .
sacrificing
shrinking
secrecy
Four years
now you can’t even
meet my eyes
but you stop me
in the driveway
to tell me you miss me
you miss me?
you only love me
when I’m gone
I deserve more
a partner who misses me
when they still have me
so
I no longer settle for
bread crumbs
when I now know I am
worthy of
the entire fucking loaf
“Four Years”
4/26/23
Grief + Divorce
There’s a certain brand of loneliness that arrives after a divorce. A special kind of grief in having to allow yourself the time and space to mourn an entire life you had dreamt of. Though I guess that’s true of grief and losing someone to death as well…
I’ve been fortunate enough to have few people “close” to me die. So, grief is foreign to me. The way it ebbs and flows, nipping at my heels only on certain days… Your birthday. While I’m at a music festival. On a random Tuesday afternoon.
Grief invites a certain kind of sadness I had not yet experienced. Or had never given myself permission to fully feel for fear of it swallowing me whole.
Divorce - even when it’s completely your choice - conjures up memories of all the ways in which you both failed. How you both gave up trying and eventually the desire to make it work simply vanishes.
Anger and resentment returns when you see all the ways your partner has changed for someone else, something else. The things you craved and needed suddenly do become important when the gravity of losing you hits them.
Or maybe your worst fear is true after all. That they simply did not want to put in the effort for YOU. That it is, in fact, personal.
Tender heartache emerges when you choose to confront your own shortcomings and the pain you caused. When you have to open your eyes to the ways in which you fell short.
Transitions are wildly challenging and I know I’m not alone. I hope my story touches someone who’s in the midst of divorce or maybe you’re in a season of grief for another reason.
There’s little resolution or advice here. Just a simple sharing of my own current experience.
I do know that grief will shift and move and I must flow with it. So, I encourage you to do the same.
Create a support system for the days where grief feels like too much.
Know and trust that you can allow yourself to fully sit with any emotions that arise during your transition out of this relationship.
And hey, I’m so incredibly proud of you for following your heart, dear one.