There’s a certain brand of loneliness that arrives after a divorce. A special kind of grief in having to allow yourself the time and space to mourn an entire life you had dreamt of. Though I guess that’s true of grief and losing someone to death as well…
I’ve been fortunate enough to have few people “close” to me die. So, grief is foreign to me. The way it ebbs and flows, nipping at my heels only on certain days… Your birthday. While I’m at a music festival. On a random Tuesday afternoon.
Grief invites a certain kind of sadness I had not yet experienced. Or had never given myself permission to fully feel for fear of it swallowing me whole.
Divorce - even when it’s completely your choice - conjures up memories of all the ways in which you both failed. How you both gave up trying and eventually the desire to make it work simply vanishes.
Anger and resentment returns when you see all the ways your partner has changed for someone else, something else. The things you craved and needed suddenly do become important when the gravity of losing you hits them.
Or maybe your worst fear is true after all. That they simply did not want to put in the effort for YOU. That it is, in fact, personal.
Tender heartache emerges when you choose to confront your own shortcomings and the pain you caused. When you have to open your eyes to the ways in which you fell short.
Transitions are wildly challenging and I know I’m not alone. I hope my story touches someone who’s in the midst of divorce or maybe you’re in a season of grief for another reason.
There’s little resolution or advice here. Just a simple sharing of my own current experience.
I do know that grief will shift and move and I must flow with it. So, I encourage you to do the same.
Create a support system for the days where grief feels like too much.
Know and trust that you can allow yourself to fully sit with any emotions that arise during your transition out of this relationship.
And hey, I’m so incredibly proud of you for following your heart, dear one.