Four years
I settled for bread crumbs
when I wanted the entire loaf
a piece of passion
a slice of emotional bondedness
a life built together
not adjacent, apart
Four years
I convinced myself to believe that
this year will be better, different
because that’s what you promised me
better
different
Four years
Shit stayed the same
Shit slid + shifted +
shit its own bed
actually
Four years
How do two people so in
Love
get here?
Full of resentment
regret
remission
Remission
Cancer
Toxicity
Death
Death
Sweet death
Four years
down the drain
wasted
no . . .
I loved our time together
I wouldn’t trade it for the world
you taught me
my worth
you reminded me that
life is for LIVING
you showed me the exact
partner I do not want
Four years
Lessons in learning what
Love is not . . .
sacrificing
shrinking
secrecy
Four years
now you can’t even
meet my eyes
but you stop me
in the driveway
to tell me you miss me
you miss me?
you only love me
when I’m gone
I deserve more
a partner who misses me
when they still have me
so
I no longer settle for
bread crumbs
when I now know I am
worthy of
the entire fucking loaf
“Four Years”
4/26/23
R. A. P. E.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
i’d like to share
a poem with you
R.
A.
P.
E.
Rape.
i know
just the word conjures
bile in throat
quickening of heart
sweat in palms
R.
A.
P.
E.
Rape.
Sexual assault.
Molestation.
Words matter.
Say it aloud.
Share your story.
Release your shame.
R.
A.
P.
E.
Rape.
it is not your fault
+ no you didn’t have to
fight harder
or say no louder
or again
R.
A.
P.
E.
Rape.
it doesn’t matter what you were
wearing
how drunk you were
or if you fucked before
R.
A.
P.
E.
Rape
This does not define you
You will heal from this
I promise
YOU WILL HEAL
“R. A. P. E.” 4/21/23
Seasonal Repression
do not fight it
the shift in season
festering
inside + out
like the leaves
let your tears fall
unabashedly
to mother Earth
like the soft-tailed bunnies
let yourself turn inward
to the darkness that
desires your attention
what if seasonal depression
is truly just seasonal repression
a tooth + nail attempt at
holding onto summer
”Seasonal Repression”
Dec. 2023
I am Terrified to Love You
i am terrified to love you
i’ve waited my whole life for
someone like you
without even knowing it
without the awareness that
it could be this easy
to rest in the arms of love
with such trust and peace
to be looked after and cared for in the
ways i wish my folks had loved me
to be held and seen by clear eyes in the
ways that i let few people witness
to be desired and praised by a most
passionate lover
your full embracing of me
feels like too much
too good to be true
what’s your end game?
to have spent a lifetime of
assuming it normal to
fall short of having my
most basic needs be met
to bloom then wilt in homes
where i had to
shrivel and die just to be
tolerated
not accepted
to now have someone
you
to see me
to love me
to make me whole
to now have someone
you
bake the cake my
father never made
take an hour of your
work day to chat
drive 30 minutes to kiss me
hello and drop off snacks
i am terrified to love you
but i do
”I am Terrified to Love You”
Jan 2024
What Does it Mean to be Trauma-Informed and Why is it Important Along Your Healing Journey?
Whether you consider yourself a survivor of trauma or not, I can guarantee you’ve experienced some level of it before. Maybe it was only something as small as getting cut off in traffic and being unable to dislodge that feeling of anger in a timely or appropriate manner. Or maybe you’re all too familiar with the pain of trauma, as you’ve been closely linked with it time and time again — through death, assault, natural disaster, or oppression (to name a few).
Your trauma may be what we refer to as “little t trauma” — aka “not that significant” to the masses, but to YOU it may still feel big or important.
Perhaps your trauma is closer to what we call “big T trauma” — the horribly unfair things that come to mind when one hears the word “trauma”. There is hope for you, I promise. Your trauma does not have to define you and it does not have to continue shaping every decision of your life.
The *severity* of your trauma does not matter.
Read that again.
The severity of your trauma
does
NOT
matter.
And I share this as a means of liberation for people on both sides of the trauma spectrum.
What may feel incredibly difficult and challenging to me may have no effect on you at all. That’s the tricky and magnificent part of trauma — it does not affect us all in the same manner.
But it does affect us.
No matter the “size” of your trauma, we have all lived through some amount of hardship. The way you feel about your pain or your past is valid.
So, why is healing from trauma so vital for our well-being? And what does it mean to be trauma-informed?
Living with trauma keeps us stuck in survival mode. Every thing is a threat. Life feels - and often is - unexplainably difficult. You may be stuck in fight or flight — constantly on edge and guarded or always go, go, go. Or you may be stuck in a freeze response — unable to move forward with ease and trust for others or yourself.
Learning your patterns and triggers and how to more effectively cope with stress leads to a softer, safer, and more balanced life. Who wouldn’t want that?
As a coach and movement specialist, being trauma-informed means that I approach healing holistically. Say what? That means that I take into account that a person coming to me for services has likely experienced trauma and needs to be treated as a whole person, rather than focusing in on only one issue.
Here’s an example: If you’re coming to me for hip pain, I’m not only going to look at your hip and the physical pain that exists there. Together, we’ll be curious about other areas of the body plus the emotional ties attached to your physical body and its pain.
For me, trauma-informed care encompasses:
- movement modalities like somatic practices, dance, or trauma-informed yoga
- mindfulness practices like meditation, journaling, and creativity
- emotional / psychological support through coaching, energy work, and therapy*
(*not with me)
So why is trauma-informed care important for us ALL?
We’ve all experienced some level and degree of trauma. Period.
We cannot examine our trauma in tiny, compartmentalized aspects of our life, either.
Plus, we live in a world where we are, at almost all times, witnessing trauma on a global scale.
For Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), we are especially attuned to and sensitive of the world’s pain, trauma, violence, and subtleties that non-HSPs do not experience. So for you, sweet HSP, trauma-informed care is not a luxury, but a necessity.
Trauma-informed care guides you into harmony between your body, mind, heart, and spirit again.
To learn more about the services I offer, click here.
Grieving a Body in Pain
i’ve had widespread chronic pain since 2009.
it ebbs + flows. there are seasons where i almost forget its existence. but it inevitably returns.
i shame myself for doing the “wrong” things or not doing enough of the “right” ones.
there’s a part of me that’s convinced that if i just try harder, do more - the pain will go away.
or if i could just heal all my emotional pains, the physical pains would dissipate too.
i carry a heavy burden of shame because i’m trauma informed + have so many somatic tools. and therefore, i “should” be able to fix myself. i “should” know better.
but what if this isn’t something to fix? what if i don’t need to hold the blame for this pain?
how would it feel to grieve the seemingly impossible dream of having a fully abled, pain-free body?
i share this not for your pity or sympathy. but i hope my story helps others in pain.
it’s easy to believe that your pain is your fault. and if you could just try one more thing or show up fuller, the pain will die.
but this is your - and my - permission slip to just be. be angry with your body that has failed you. be deeply upset by the setbacks + limitations. allow yourself to grieve being in *this* body. without the spiritual bypassing of having to see the silver lining or be grateful for your body’s wisdom.
today, move + feel. simply be with what is.
Grief Stays
time ticks by
people stop asking, stop checking in
life carries on
but grief,
grief stays
he tickles at your throat
stings behind your eyes
subtle reminders of loss
memories of what could have been
a shocking pain
that cuts so deep -
your inhale catches
he rises with the sun
some days
lingers with the falling night
on others
often quiet
rarely screaming
he just wants your attention
wants you to not forget
the lessons
the heartache
the love that once was
so let him in
pour him a cup of tea
embrace his sorrows
let him be