Pain Says

some days are filled with 

constant music 

attempts at drowning out 

constant thoughts 

some days are bright and

I am safe 

bad days

I am too scared  

to stop and sit 

to be swallowed by

my pain 

but that’s the thing about pain 

he always lingers 

waiting. 

behind curtains 

patient. watching. 

because pain has no 

other plans, no where to be 

he will come with you to 

the store 

he’ll tip tap 

remind you 

I’m still here

still with you 

watching. waiting. 

pain doesn’t mean to be 

a nuisance 

he just wants to say hi 

hello 

hey there 

look at me 

be with me 

please 

hear me out 

don’t dance me out 

or affirm me away or 

tell me you hate me 

just be with me 

hold me 

tend to me 

then i’ll be 

on my way 

“Pain Says”

8/22/23

Anxiety Reset 4-7-8 Breath

To listen to the guided version of this meditation, please click here.

Today I want to lead you through a pretty simple pranayama practice or breath work.

As the title of this suggests, this is a great tool for when you have anxiety.

Before we get started, I want to take a moment to fully acknowledge any anxiety you’re feeling. Maybe even say out loud, “I am feeling anxious.” There’s a real sense of lessening the power that anxiety can have over us by simply acknowledging that “yea hey I am feeling anxious right now.” So maybe take a moment- write it down, say it out loud, or simply notice a thought to yourself.

So today we’re going to be doing the 4-7-8 breath. It’s pretty simple. I’ll count you through a few rounds. We’ll inhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7, and exhale for a count of 8. What this does - the longer exhale - allows the nervous system to receive the signal that it’s time to settle or calm.

If inhaling for 4 feels too long, or holding for 7 feels too long - shorten them as you need to. The idea is that your exhale is longer than the inhale.

If you need to re-settle in your physical space, you can be seated. My favorite way to practice this is lying down. Get comfy in bed or anywhere else that feels relaxing to you. Maybe keep the feet planted on the Earth, knees bent. Help support the physical body + notice the grounding beneath the feet.

We’ll start with a few rounds of cleansing breath - inhale through the nose, expand the belly.
Sigh it out, let it go. Repeat x2.

If you need a few more cleansing breaths, feel free to pause and take them.
Otherwise, we’ll start our 4-7-8 breath.

Take an inhale for a count of 4, 3, 2, 1… Pause at the top + hold the breath 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Gentle exhale out the nose or mouth… 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

We’ll repeat this a few more times. Inhale for 4. Pause for 7. Exhale for 8.

Keep breathing like this at your own pace. If you need to shorten the length of each breath in or out, please do. Spend a few moments in silence focusing on this breath pattern - in for 4, hold for 7, out for 8.

Notice what arises during the pause. That in-between moment.

I hope you enjoyed this simple practice. It’s another tool to keep in the back of your toolkit for when you’re feeling anxious. Come back to the breath + slow some of those anxious thoughts in the mind.

Allow tension in the shoulders + jaw or wherever you hold tension to simply melt away.

Give yourself so compassion - anxiety can take such a toll on us. Give yourself time to rest a little longer. Maybe ask yourself, “what is it I REALLY need to do today?”

We Worry

I wrote + performed this poem for the You Aren’t Alone Project art event. YAAP is a non-profit in Baton Rouge whose mission is to create a network of support for mental health + wellness. The event beautifully combined art + mental health awareness.

Eyes not yet open.

First thought? Anxious. 

What is this pain in my neck?

Will it linger all day?

How did it start? 

Is it my fault?

It’s certainly my fault.

Feet graze the Earth.

Do I have enough time?

Am I already behind?

Why is my mind always racing? Worrying?

Grasping for something to overanalyze?

We flick on the kitchen light.

Am I hungry yet?

Should I drink water first?

Do the dogs need to go out?

Why does everything fall on me?

Weigh. On. Me.

We grab granola cuz it’s easier.

But shouldn’t I cook?

Eat something healthier?

Am I slowly killing myself from the inside out?

We finally enter my safe haven –

We sit on the furry rug.

A moment of pause.

You and me – we need a chat.

Me- the capital M me – who knows better.

Who still runs the show and makes the decisions.

Even when you – try to steal the show.

You. Anna. That’s the name I’ve given you.

I’ve become so engulfed by you –

I forgot that you actually are not me.

Anxious Anna.

Why are you here?

Constantly looming?

What are you trying so desperately to shield me from?

Pain.

Fear.

Truth.

Joy. 

Presence.

My God. Presence.

We worry.

Together. Day in and day out.

We sweat the small shit. 

We catastrophize trivial matters.

We worry.

We worry.

We worry.

Thank you, Anna, truly.

For attempting to keep me safe…

But really, you’re keeping me small.

Thank you, Anna, deeply.

Scanning for every misstep I may make.

But you are robbing me of being present in my own life.

Thank you, Anna, sincerely.

For your protection and worry. 

But I got this.

I run the show.

You may continue to worry.

But me? Capital M me – I need to believe.

To trust in myself and the goodness of the world that surrounds me.

We? We worry no more.

Release the Weight of Worries

To listen to this guided meditation, please click here. 

Take a few deep breaths and ground down.

I want to take you back in time.

Imagine you’re about 3 or 4 years old. What do you look like? What are you wearing? Where are you? Your childhood home? Your favorite hiding spot? At school? With your friends? Where?

I want you to imagine you’re wearing a backpack. It’s your favorite color and not yet filled with a single thing. It weighs almost nothing… You start to walk along the timeline of your own life. Still wearing the backpack. Passing ages 4, 5, 6… 

Now think about you at age 7 or 8. How have you changed? Has anything in life been difficult yet? Maybe there are obvious answers – family issues, loss of some sort, or death. Maybe you just don’t feel completely seen or understood at this age. Whatever it is, you place the weight of that worry or grief into your backpack. And you keep walking…

You meet your 12-year-old self. She or he is deep in that awkward stage. Glasses, bangs, braces, acne. You haven’t quite hit your stride yet. You feel shame for not being prettier, skinnier, smarter, more athletic. You throw the weight of that shame into the bag - you’ll deal with it later.

Now you pay a little more attention to the bag - you notice its weight more and more. 

Walking along, envision 17- or 18-year-old you. You’re finishing high school and maybe headed to college.  Lots of big shifts are on the horizon. A lot more responsibility is being placed on you + no one has really taught you how to deal with that. Take the weight of that + place it into your backpack. Now the bag is more noticeable – not yet unbearable. But carrying that around with you is exhausting + limiting.

You walk along…  think about being 21 or 22. Maybe you’re out on your own for the first time. You’re attempting to make something of your life + maybe trying to get your first job but you’re met with rejection after rejection. You start to think you just must not be good enough. So you add in a little more weight for the worry of what your future holds. The weight of shame for not measuring up to what has been expected of you. The weight of isolation of feeling lost + not enough but being unable to share that with others. 

The backpack gets heavier with each step. Your shoulders are tight—burdened by the weight of the pack filled with disappointments + fear + pain + loss. You continue walking… past mistakes + let downs + people you kept in your life for far too long. There’s a heaviness in the pack. Some of it doesn’t even feel like yours to carry. Your shoulders ache, you are tired from walking.

You carry on, collecting more fears + rage + confusion + isolation. Each emotion adds more weight to the bag.

Then you meet yourself at your current age. The pack so full, so nauseatingly substantial- you’re not sure it’s worth going on.

Pause. Take a few deep breaths. Close your eyes for a moment. 

Just up ahead you see the edge of a cliff. You walk - still wearing the pack - to the ledge and pause. You see a sign nearby that simply reads “unload bags here”. You are hesitant. You’ve carried this bag with you for years… decades. Its heaviness has become a part of you. You even identify part of yourself as the pack. But then you ask yourself - what do I gain by holding onto this bag? Do I really need to hold onto the years of worry + fear + anger + suffering? What am I so afraid of happening if I release this worry + control?

You finally decide to empty the contents of the pack over the ledge. A lifetime of burdens lift from your shoulders. You stand taller. You breathe easier. You feel free from the worry + fear + sadness you’ve been carrying around. As you walk away from the cliff, you make a decision.

From here on out, you choose to fill the pack with positive moments + peace + ease + joy. Things that are much lighter + easier to carry with you along your journey. The fear + worry + pain – they’ll still show up in your life. But you learn to sit in those moments + just feel your feelings rather than adding the weight of them to the bag to deal with later. In those moments, you imagine the weight of the heavy + dark emotions simply falling off the ledge of the cliff.

 And so you forge ahead, backpack in hand – light as can be.

R I S E mantra

<< R I S E >>
I created this mantra / acronym for when I’m feeling anxious and need to come back to the present moment. My hope is that this may help you too.

<< R I S E >>

RECENTER: notice the tension build in your body (usually jaw/ neck); label the emotion you’re experiencing; or name 5 things in the room with you.

INHALE: take 5 slow deep breaths in through the nose and out of the mouth.

SAFE: repeat “I am safe and loved.”

EARTH: find a way to ground down into the earth— often, physically by placing bare feet in the grass; sometimes less literally by dancing, practicing yoga, laughing via FaceTime with a friend.

<< R I S E >>

Anxiety and Decision Making: Think Less, Feel More

I can’t quite pin down the exact moment I developed anxiety. It could have been during sophomore year of high school when I traded in my braces, bangs, and bad skin for unwanted attention because of my new, mature look. Maybe it was at age 27 when I was sexually assaulted. Or it had always been there since childhood and I just didn’t have the words to explain it. But I first labeled the feeling and admitting to experiencing anxiety around age 30. My anxiety stems from this need to be, look, and feel perfect. Every decision – no matter how small—is agonizingly painful to make. I tend to only see decisions in black and white or two extremes. What if I choose the “wrong” one? I worry I’ll feel trapped in a life-sentence of going down that one path.

In a recent conversation with a friend, we talked about how confident and sure everyone else seems to be in their decision to marry or find the “right” career for them. I ensured him that I think everyone else is just as scared as us. Maybe someone with zero anxiety does make decisions with more ease and assurance, but I think we are all scared. We marry because we meet the person who makes us FEEL safe enough or sure enough to try it. But no one is guaranteed that their marriage will last. Neither does a job or friendship or anything else in this life. Nothing is guaranteed. But finding that moment of bravery – taking that next step toward whatever it is you want for your life – means making a choice. Making no choice to move forward means you let fear (anxiety) win.  We think that making no choice is better than the “wrong” choice, but how do you know which is wrong unless you try?

So what choice do you need to make? What’s holding you back from just picking one thing over the other? We exist in a time where we’re given too many endless options, which can also cause decision paralysis. We keep waiting to confirm that we’ve got the best version of a person, place, career, whatever. Our generation fears commitment – and not just regarding romantic relationships. We don’t want to commit to plans for fear of something better coming along. Yet we overcommit to things we should say no to out of fear of seeming lazy or lame or needing to always please others. We burn the candle at both ends until we’re anxious, sick, or too depressed to even show up.

My advice to this friend was to start making decisions that FEEL right to him. As a person who often feels anxious and unsure of my own decision-making skills, it’s easier to let other people decide for me. We let parents choose our career path; we let friends decide how we act, dress, and what we enjoy; we let society dictate everything else about what our life “should” look like because it’s easy. It’s uncomfortable to question the core of who you are as a person. Do you want to be anxious? Career-driven? Family-focused? Racist? Cruel? Free-spirited? Ignorant? You have the power to choose who YOU want to be. But you have to choose. You have to make daily choices that feel right for you. You can’t ask for permission to be who you really are. And you have to let go of the grip of perfectionism and worrying about how others will view the new you.

So decide. Today. Who do you want to be in the future and how do you work towards being that person? How can you make more decisions chosen not out of fear, but from self-love?

The path that just FEELS right— go there.