time ticks by
people stop asking, stop checking in
life carries on
but grief,
grief stays
he tickles at your throat
stings behind your eyes
subtle reminders of loss
memories of what could have been
a shocking pain
that cuts so deep -
your inhale catches
he rises with the sun
some days
lingers with the falling night
on others
often quiet
rarely screaming
he just wants your attention
wants you to not forget
the lessons
the heartache
the love that once was
so let him in
pour him a cup of tea
embrace his sorrows
let him be
Shame Cycle
Soft morning light
Drapes through the windows
Tickling my senses
but still not enough to
Make Me Rise
Colder-than-I-like air keeps me
Tethered to the warmth of sheets + blankets
I toss + turn
I shut down my eyes time
+ time again
Shame creeps in
You should just get up
You’ve slept plenty
Everyone else is up + moving
A real spiritual practitioner is
Awake before the sun
I lack discipline + drive
I enjoy wallowing in my woes
Heavy bedding on cold toes
What’s the point of waking early?
That just means more hours to
Fret. To overthink. To feel too much.
I’ll try again tomorrow +
Start another day by
Disappointing myself
Or maybe I’ll abandon the dream of
being someone I’m not
+ stay in this loop of sleep,
shame, cycle repeats
“Shame Cycle”
3/14/23
The Emotion
The Emotion -
You know the one
The one you busy yourself for
Run, hide, blame
The emotion
Bubbling under the surface
Begging to simply be seen
Spend time with me
Talk with me
Please
Just hear me
Here. Me.
Shame, guilt, anger
Sadness, loneliness, fear
Which is it?
All balled into one
Super Emotion
So how do you sit with her?
Your scared inner child
Terrified of her own thoughts,
feelings, inner world
“The Emotion”
Dec 13, 22
stillness is my socialization
Belly in grass
Grey skies above
Three girls picnicking
An elderly couple
Walking hand in hand
Grief for lack of closeness
Shame for making everything about me
Accustomed to running from
my darkness but learning that
That is where the magic is
Alone isn’t so lonely anymore
Sometimes it’s preferred
My energy is easier to handle
My mind is more at ease
How do I let someone new in
When solitude is my sanctuary
And stillness is my socialization?
Envy points to what is missing in my own life
How can I meet those needs myself?
Yet how still do I reach out for support?
Curiously engaged with the world around me
Highly attuned to my own body
What does she need to tell me?
What have I spent years turning deaf ears to?
stillness is my socialization
12/10/222
Unraveling
I feel like I’m unraveling.
Not in a good way.
Not in the way you slowly undress string cheese.
More like in the way you hit rock bottom.
Or like watching a slow crash + burn.
Unraveling the ways in which I think.
The ways in which I talk to myself.
The opinions I choose to grip onto tightly.
I am no longer biting my tongue.
I stand tall for my needs.
My wants. My desires.
I am unraveling my darkest layers.
I am unraveling to save myself.
”Unraveling”
12/28/21