100% More than Last Year
I am 100% more grounded than I was a year ago. And I still have days where I can’t quite settle.
I am 100% more in touch with my grief than I was a year ago. Yet I still find ways to ignore and numb my pain.
I am 100% more loving - to others and myself - than I was a year ago. But some part of me still chooses subtle abuse as a means of motivation.
Healing is not linear.
I know you’ve heard that before. But can you let it really sink in?
Healing, like life, ebbs and flows. Sometimes it feels like you take two steps forward and one step back. In the really challenging times, maybe it’s even one step forward and two steps back.
But, sweet sensitive soul —
The goal of healing is not to achieve perfection.
The goal of healing is not to avoid ever being activated again.
The goal of healing is to learn... and unlearn.
The goal of healing is to fall back into old patterns. Then recognize those reactions sooner to their origin, not years, months, or weeks later.
The goal of healing is to show an immense capacity of love for your younger parts that have been trying to protect you all these years.
The goal of healing is to live again. To know that you will be triggered by someone you love or a stranger on the street. And now, you know that you have richer resourcing and compassion to keep showing up for your life.
Would you please take some time to journal, think, or create art about the ways in which you are 100% more [blank] than last year?
More confident. More calm. More angry. More uncertain. More connected. More artistic. More overwhelmed. Embrace it all.
I know it may not always feel like progress is being made, sweet soul… but, I promise it is.
You are 100% more healed than you were a year ago. And that is worth celebrating!
R. A. P. E.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
i’d like to share
a poem with you
R.
A.
P.
E.
Rape.
i know
just the word conjures
bile in throat
quickening of heart
sweat in palms
R.
A.
P.
E.
Rape.
Sexual assault.
Molestation.
Words matter.
Say it aloud.
Share your story.
Release your shame.
R.
A.
P.
E.
Rape.
it is not your fault
+ no you didn’t have to
fight harder
or say no louder
or again
R.
A.
P.
E.
Rape.
it doesn’t matter what you were
wearing
how drunk you were
or if you fucked before
R.
A.
P.
E.
Rape
This does not define you
You will heal from this
I promise
YOU WILL HEAL
“R. A. P. E.” 4/21/23
Grief Stays
time ticks by
people stop asking, stop checking in
life carries on
but grief,
grief stays
he tickles at your throat
stings behind your eyes
subtle reminders of loss
memories of what could have been
a shocking pain
that cuts so deep -
your inhale catches
he rises with the sun
some days
lingers with the falling night
on others
often quiet
rarely screaming
he just wants your attention
wants you to not forget
the lessons
the heartache
the love that once was
so let him in
pour him a cup of tea
embrace his sorrows
let him be
Texts I'll Never Send
I miss us
And I miss you
I hate that you don’t feel it too
do you think about me?
I often dream of you
more than I care to admit to
I’m sorry for the things
I did + didn’t do
for all the things I put you through
bricks on chest
the vision of her where I should have been
me asleep alone once again
heart broken, ashamed
too many decisions already made
and I can’t help but regret mine most of the day
but these are the texts I’ll never send
the things I’ll never say
not to your face anyway
“Texts I’ll Never Send”
July 2023
Escape Being
early morning light creeps in
I resist the start of a new day
I want to stay trapped in my dreams
where fantasies are facts
+ fear is fiction
where pain doesn’t
soak into my bones
+ anxiety can’t
touch my heart
facing another day means
experiencing
humanness
+ the mess of it all
meeting my doubts + insecurities
with arms held open in love
making space for every single
emotion that spikes in the day
in dreams
I escape reality
in reality
I escape [human] being
“Escape Being”
11/3/22
#LettersToNonPresentMe
#LettersToNonPresentMe
To 15 y.o. me,
This darkness you feel will always follow you. [It’s normal; nothing is wrong with you.] You’ll carry it with you. Sometimes the weight will be unnoticeable. Sometimes, unbearable. But you’ll push through. You’ll use tools to help you accept every emotion, even the “scary” ones. You’ll harness the lessons you learn to guide others to healing. There’s no shame in needing help or feeling lost. You have all the answers within you.
Love,
32 y.o. me