heal

100% More than Last Year

I am 100% more grounded than I was a year ago. And I still have days where I can’t quite settle.

I am 100% more in touch with my grief than I was a year ago. Yet I still find ways to ignore and numb my pain.

I am 100% more loving - to others and myself - than I was a year ago. But some part of me still chooses subtle abuse as a means of motivation. 

Healing is not linear. 

I know you’ve heard that before. But can you let it really sink in? 

Healing, like life, ebbs and flows. Sometimes it feels like you take two steps forward and one step back. In the really challenging times, maybe it’s even one step forward and two steps back.

But, sweet sensitive soul — 

The goal of healing is not to achieve perfection. 

The goal of healing is not to avoid ever being activated again.

The goal of healing is to learn... and unlearn. 

The goal of healing is to fall back into old patterns. Then recognize those reactions sooner to their origin, not years, months, or weeks later. 

The goal of healing is to show an immense capacity of love for your younger parts that have been trying to protect you all these years. 

The goal of healing is to live again. To know that you will be triggered by someone you love or a stranger on the street. And now, you know that you have richer resourcing and compassion to keep showing up for your life. 

Would you please take some time to journal, think, or create art about the ways in which you are 100% more [blank] than last year?

More confident. More calm. More angry. More uncertain. More connected. More artistic. More overwhelmed. Embrace it all.

I know it may not always feel like progress is being made, sweet soul… but, I promise it is.

You are 100% more healed than you were a year ago. And that is worth celebrating!

R. A. P. E.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
i’d like to share
a poem with you

R. 

A. 

P. 

E.

 
Rape.
i know
just the word conjures
bile in throat
quickening of heart
sweat in palms

R.

A.

P.

E.


Rape.
Sexual assault.
Molestation.
Words matter.
Say it aloud.
Share your story.
Release your shame.

R.

A.

P.

E.


Rape.
it is not your fault
+ no you didn’t have to 
fight harder
or say no louder 
or again

R.

A.

P.

E.


Rape.
it doesn’t matter what you were 
wearing
how drunk you were
or if you fucked before 

R.

A.

P.

E.

Rape
This does not define you
You will heal from this
I promise
YOU WILL HEAL


“R. A. P. E.” 4/21/23

Grief Stays

time ticks by
people stop asking, stop checking in
life carries on
but grief,
grief stays

he tickles at your throat
stings behind your eyes
subtle reminders of loss
memories of what could have been

a shocking pain
that cuts so deep -
your inhale catches

he rises with the sun
some days
lingers with the falling night
on others

often quiet
rarely screaming
he just wants your attention

wants you to not forget
the lessons
the heartache
the love that once was

so let him in
pour him a cup of tea
embrace his sorrows
let him be

Texts I'll Never Send

I miss us
And I miss you 
I hate that you don’t feel it too

do you think about me?
I often dream of you 
more than I care to admit to

I’m sorry for the things
I did + didn’t do 
for all the things I put you through

bricks on chest
the vision of her where I should have been
me asleep alone once again

heart broken, ashamed 
too many decisions already made
and I can’t help but regret mine most of the day

but these are the texts I’ll never send 
the things I’ll never say 
not to your face anyway 

“Texts I’ll Never Send”
July 2023

Escape Being

early morning light creeps in

I resist the start of a new day

I want to stay trapped in my dreams

where fantasies are facts 

+ fear is fiction

where pain doesn’t 

soak into my bones

+ anxiety can’t 

touch my heart

facing another day means

experiencing 

humanness 

+ the mess of it all

meeting my doubts + insecurities

with arms held open in love

making space for every single

emotion that spikes in the day

in dreams

I escape reality

in reality

I escape [human] being

“Escape Being”
11/3/22 

#LettersToNonPresentMe

#LettersToNonPresentMe

To 15 y.o. me,

This darkness you feel will always follow you. [It’s normal; nothing is wrong with you.] You’ll carry it with you. Sometimes the weight will be unnoticeable. Sometimes, unbearable. But you’ll push through. You’ll use tools to help you accept every emotion, even the “scary” ones. You’ll harness the lessons you learn to guide others to healing. There’s no shame in needing help or feeling lost. You have all the answers within you.

Love,
32 y.o. me