mentalhealth

100% More than Last Year

I am 100% more grounded than I was a year ago. And I still have days where I can’t quite settle.

I am 100% more in touch with my grief than I was a year ago. Yet I still find ways to ignore and numb my pain.

I am 100% more loving - to others and myself - than I was a year ago. But some part of me still chooses subtle abuse as a means of motivation. 

Healing is not linear. 

I know you’ve heard that before. But can you let it really sink in? 

Healing, like life, ebbs and flows. Sometimes it feels like you take two steps forward and one step back. In the really challenging times, maybe it’s even one step forward and two steps back.

But, sweet sensitive soul — 

The goal of healing is not to achieve perfection. 

The goal of healing is not to avoid ever being activated again.

The goal of healing is to learn... and unlearn. 

The goal of healing is to fall back into old patterns. Then recognize those reactions sooner to their origin, not years, months, or weeks later. 

The goal of healing is to show an immense capacity of love for your younger parts that have been trying to protect you all these years. 

The goal of healing is to live again. To know that you will be triggered by someone you love or a stranger on the street. And now, you know that you have richer resourcing and compassion to keep showing up for your life. 

Would you please take some time to journal, think, or create art about the ways in which you are 100% more [blank] than last year?

More confident. More calm. More angry. More uncertain. More connected. More artistic. More overwhelmed. Embrace it all.

I know it may not always feel like progress is being made, sweet soul… but, I promise it is.

You are 100% more healed than you were a year ago. And that is worth celebrating!

We Worry

I wrote + performed this poem for the You Aren’t Alone Project art event. YAAP is a non-profit in Baton Rouge whose mission is to create a network of support for mental health + wellness. The event beautifully combined art + mental health awareness.

 

Eyes not yet open.

First thought? Anxious. 

What is this pain in my neck?

Will it linger all day?

How did it start? 

Is it my fault?

It’s certainly my fault.

 

Feet graze the Earth.

Do I have enough time?

Am I already behind?

Why is my mind always racing? Worrying?

Grasping for something to overanalyze?

 

We flick on the kitchen light.

Am I hungry yet?

Should I drink water first?

Do the dogs need to go out?

Why does everything fall on me?

Weigh. On. Me.

 

We grab granola cuz it’s easier.

But shouldn’t I cook?

Eat something healthier?

Am I slowly killing myself from the inside out?

 

We finally enter my safe haven –

We sit on the furry rug.

A moment of pause.

You and me – we need a chat.

 

Me- the capital M me – who knows better.

Who still runs the show and makes the decisions.

Even when you – try to steal the show.

 

You. Anna. That’s the name I’ve given you.

I’ve become so engulfed by you –

I forgot that you actually are not me.

 

Anxious Anna.

Why are you here?

Constantly looming?

What are you trying so desperately to shield me from?

 

Pain.

Fear.

Truth.

Joy. 

Presence.

My God. Presence.

 

We worry.

Together. Day in and day out.

We sweat the small shit. 

We catastrophize trivial matters.

 

We worry.

We worry.

We worry.

Thank you, Anna, truly.

For attempting to keep me safe…

But really, you’re keeping me small.

 

Thank you, Anna, deeply.

Scanning for every misstep I may make.

But you are robbing me of being present in my own life.

 

Thank you, Anna, sincerely.

For your protection and worry. 

But I got this.

I run the show.

 

You may continue to worry.

But me? Capital M me – I need to believe.

To trust in myself and the goodness of the world that surrounds me.

 

We? We worry no more.