Grief + Divorce

There’s a certain brand of loneliness that arrives after a divorce. A special kind of grief in having to allow yourself the time and space to mourn an entire life you had dreamt of. Though I guess that’s true of grief and losing someone to death as well…

I’ve been fortunate enough to have few people “close” to me die. So, grief is foreign to me. The way it ebbs and flows, nipping at my heels only on certain days… Your birthday. While I’m at a music festival. On a random Tuesday afternoon.

Grief invites a certain kind of sadness I had not yet experienced. Or had never given myself permission to fully feel for fear of it swallowing me whole.

Divorce - even when it’s completely your choice - conjures up memories of all the ways in which you both failed. How you both gave up trying and eventually the desire to make it work simply vanishes. 

Anger and resentment returns when you see all the ways your partner has changed for someone else, something else. The things you craved and needed suddenly do become important when the gravity of losing you hits them. 

Or maybe your worst fear is true after all. That they simply did not want to put in the effort for YOU. That it is, in fact, personal. 

Tender heartache emerges when you choose to confront your own shortcomings and the pain you caused. When you have to open your eyes to the ways in which you fell short.

Transitions are wildly challenging and I know I’m not alone. I hope my story touches someone who’s in the midst of divorce or maybe you’re in a season of grief for another reason.

There’s little resolution or advice here. Just a simple sharing of my own current experience. 

I do know that grief will shift and move and I must flow with it. So, I encourage you to do the same. 

Create a support system for the days where grief feels like too much. 

Know and trust that you can allow yourself to fully sit with any emotions that arise during your transition out of this relationship. 

And hey, I’m so incredibly proud of you for following your heart, dear one.

Earth Loving

I smell the earth beneath my toes 
gifting me her strength 
slowly extrapolating my woes

I hear the wisdom of her trees
sitting silently beneath them
she communicates with me in the breeze

I feel the flow of water around me
her cooling touch on my skin
allowing me to surrender so I can simply be

I see great Mother’s beauty + her gentle grace
she’s teaching me to slow down
+ reminds me it’s not about the race

I taste her sweet nectar in all parts of life
pleasure abounds when I open to it
finally allowing me to release my need for control + strife

Earth Mother
I smell you
I hear you
I feel you

Mother Gaia
I see you
I taste you
I am you

“Earth Loving”
May 2023 

Texts I'll Never Send

I miss us
And I miss you 
I hate that you don’t feel it too

do you think about me?
I often dream of you 
more than I care to admit to

I’m sorry for the things
I did + didn’t do 
for all the things I put you through

bricks on chest
the vision of her where I should have been
me asleep alone once again

heart broken, ashamed 
too many decisions already made
and I can’t help but regret mine most of the day

but these are the texts I’ll never send 
the things I’ll never say 
not to your face anyway 

“Texts I’ll Never Send”
July 2023

Pain Says

some days are filled with 

constant music 

attempts at drowning out 

constant thoughts 

some days are bright and

I am safe 

bad days

I am too scared  

to stop and sit 

to be swallowed by

my pain 

but that’s the thing about pain 

he always lingers 

waiting. 

behind curtains 

patient. watching. 

because pain has no 

other plans, no where to be 

he will come with you to 

the store 

he’ll tip tap 

remind you 

I’m still here

still with you 

watching. waiting. 

pain doesn’t mean to be 

a nuisance 

he just wants to say hi 

hello 

hey there 

look at me 

be with me 

please 

hear me out 

don’t dance me out 

or affirm me away or 

tell me you hate me 

just be with me 

hold me 

tend to me 

then i’ll be 

on my way 

“Pain Says”

8/22/23

I Hope You Live

I hope you live. 

Beyond surviving + hustling + worrying about next steps. Now is not the time for small talk, scrolling, anxious looping thoughts. I hope you are so nauseatingly present in each + every moment of your life that you are overcome with joy + love + gratitude.

I hope you live.

Read in the sun.
Paint a “bad” picture.
Get the tattoo.
Jump in the pool.
Laugh so hard your belly hurts.
Relax in a hammock.
Send the text.
Howl at the moon.

I hope you live.

I hope you live the life *you* truly desire. Despite the expectations of others. In spite of your own limiting beliefs about what you’re capable of.

Because this one precious life of yours is *so* short … 

I hope you L I V E it to the fullest, dear one.

Two, Not One

I am two, not one
Wild, entertaining, humorous
Life of the party 
yet
Sensitive, quiet, overwhelmed
Judging to protect my energy 

I am two, not one
Amazingly strong … powerful 
yet
Soft, tender, loose

I am two, not one
Self righteous in all my knowing 
yet
Never educated enough to 
embody true confidence 

“Two Not One”
12/16/22

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